Me: "Hi, I'd like one beef supreme gordita please, to go."
Him: "Is that it?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "That'll be $1.28, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's to go." [I hate pointless duplication]

     At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and...

Him: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

     He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them...

Him: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Him: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill." [cough]
Him: "Yeah, thought so."

     He comes back and says...

Him: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Him: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
Him: "Well, hang on a sec."

     He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and...

Him: "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Him: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here." [cough]
Him: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Him: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Him: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

     The manager approaches me and says...

Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [8pm, well lighted area, cough]
Me: "Well, here's a two."
Manager: "We don't take those either."
Me: "Why the hell not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What the hell for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."
Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

     At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in (he has one of those cool walkie-talkies like the WRHS office staff) and says at the other end of counter, in a whisper...

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
Guard: "Really? What?"
Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "So, the fifty's fake?"
Manager: "No, the $2 is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah..."

     Security Guard walks over to me and says...

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
Me: [pause] "I'm just trying to buy a gordita and pay for it with this $2 bill."

     I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says...

Guard: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a $2 bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

     The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I would get free food.


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