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I hate the bus. by cr0bar February 9, 2000 I have been riding the bus pretty much everywhere since I was in 7th grade. I'm the world authority on bus riding. Below is all the reason in the world to hate the bus. At least, why I hate the bus (these are facts): 1. It takes exactly 1 hour and 30 minutes to get ANYWHERE on the bus. If I need to go downtown, then a bus will arrive instantly and proceed there at a speed of approximately 30 miles per hour. If I need to go down the block, I will wait for 1 hour and 27 minutes after which a bus will arrive and proceed there at a speed of approximately 80 miles per hour. The driver will be an old man. This timeframe for bus travel makes it very inconvenient for me to get to school by 7:30. I need to get up at 5:30am to travel 16 miles. 2. Buses are designed to be uncomfortable. If the homeless people who ride the bus were allowed to sleep on them, then they might take up permanent residence there. Thus, most of the seats are too far from the windows to comfortably rest your head, and when they are close enough, the window has a greasy yellow buildup on it. What this is, I don't know. I suspect that the last thing that someone does before they die of ebola is to ride the bus and cough on the windows. 3. The concept of a bus being "full" is lost on bus drivers. Before the advent of digitally recorded announcements, the bus driver would yell at everyone to move to the back of the bus. The new drivers would say "Please move to the rear of the bus!", but the veteran road warriors would yell the slur "mootoodaback!" There can be no room to breathe or move, and yet the driver will continue to try and pack people in. A question. What the hell do you think this is? The Infinite Bus? It's not like you get a commission for every loser that you pick up. I'd rather not be breathing this catatonic lady's dandruff while some guy's kid screams in my ear. And another thing: why are there always a few people who will immediately make their way to the back of the bus, even if there aren't any seats there? They will insistently shove their way past me in a great hurry to reach the rear. They look at me as if there is something wrong with me ... "Why isn't this guy moving to the back of the bus?" A question. Where the hell are you going? I'll move to the back when I need to! If there are
enough people to warrant my moving back, I will do so. What is so exciting back there that you need to get
there now? I don't see anything. Stop trying to squeeze past me: I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOU, EITHER.
Don't say I didn't warn you! You never know what you're getting into when you talk to people on the bus. I saw
one guy say "Hello there" to a woman in a slap-happy retarded voice. Pitying him (I guess) she said, "Hey"
back. "NOO! HARRY! YOU'RE FIRED HARRY! GO AWAY!" he screamed back at her. Shaken, she found a different seat.
It was her fault. Since then, I have seen this guy on numerous occasions talk to himself about "Harry", and
other people. Today, he amused himself for a full hour by saying "Don't touch that dial, we'll be right back".
Do what I do: carry a CD player and large headphones and use them at all times. It allows you to watch what's
going on for signs of danger from within the comfort of your brain. Ah, sweet solitude. But that's just my
wish, yours may be different.
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