Dec 30-31: "Do I really believe that clear-thinking Americans don't care what color or ethnicity you are? Yes, I do. Clear-thinking Americans care only how you treat them as individuals... Don't ask me what percentage of Americans is 'clear-thinking'." -- Bill O'Reilly in The O'Reilly Factor

Dec 20-29: "Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who cannot, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live." -- Peter Cochrane

Dec 15-19: "It will be a great day when our public schools teach our children half as well as the Pentagon trains our soldiers." -- Thad MacArthur

Dec 10-14: "This election department and the people in charge of it are making San Francisco the biggest laughingstock this side of Florida." -- Aaron Peskin

Dec 9: "The people have spoken. Now, let's be patient while we figure out what they have said." -- Bill Clinton on the 2000 Election

Dec 8: "The quick red plumber jumps over the lazy mushrooms." -- Cody Boisclair

Dec 7: "When you reach the point that you can convincingly argue both sides of an issue, you realize that 'feelings' should not be a factor." -- Tommy Thompson

Dec 5-6: "The Afghan man is a fighter willing to die for jihad." -- Mullah Mohammed Omar

Dec 5-6: "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." -- General George Patton

Dec 1-4: "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison

Nov 18-30: "Big Entertainment has made clear that it regards technology as a dangerous enemy that must be brought under control at all costs." -- Glenn Reynolds

Nov 17: "People do irrational things -- especially football fans." -- James Stogner

Nov 16: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -- Thomas Edison

Nov 13-15: "A few more buckets in an ocean of blood won't sink the product of 10,000 years of human history." -- Bjoern Staerk

Oct 26-Nov 5: "WHY IS IT SO BALLS-RETRACTINGLY COLD OUTSIDE?" -- Nick Disabato

Oct 23-25: "If you consider me a role model for your existence, fuck you." -- Nick Disabato

Oct 20-22: "Trust me, you do not want to be the next big winner of the scapegoat sweepstakes." -- Kevin Mitnick

Oct 11: "It's all about Jude Law; that man is distilled sex in a sex shaped container." -- Mary Jones

Oct 9-10: "The Golden Rule: He who has all the gold ... rules." -- Ben Tate

Oct 1-8: "The future of America is at stake. The risk of a U.S. overreaction, therefore, is negligible." -- Leonard Peikoff

Sep 27-30: "Reason and experience together must guide us; either may mislead us without aid of the other." -- me

Sep 19-26: "Life is one never-ending Simpsons quote." -- Gene Poole

Sep 15-18: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought; I know that World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- Albert Einstein

Sep 14: "At least I didn't say 'I told you so' ... but I did, you know." -- Neal Boortz

Sep 9-13: "The speed of the tongue should always be some seconds behind the speed of thought, but certainly not the other way around." -- Yevgeny Zamyatin, We

Sep 5-8: "Zero tolerance has gone too far and...created a dangerous loop between school discipline and law enforcement." -- Kelley O. Beaucar

Sep 1-4: "Political correctness is tyranny with manners." -- Charlton Heston

Aug 30-31: "It makes perfect sense because it makes none at all." -- me

Aug 26-29: "Politicians are the same all over: they promise to build a bridge even where there is no river." -- Nikita Khrushchev

Aug 21-25: "I like a little rebellion now and then...the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants; it is its natural manure." -- Thomas Jefferson

Aug 15-20: "When someone offends you, that's just a sure sign that you're uncomfortable, and that's exactly what the offender goes for." -- me

Aug 14: "Arthur felt happy. He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across fields of prehistoric Earth." -- Douglas Adams

Aug 9-13: "Violence is for those who can't handle diction!" -- 311

Aug 7-8: "I think Macon State College should be imploded and made into a really big Baskin Robins and a turtle pond." -- Claire Ragsdale

Aug 4-6: "Boy meets girl; girl gets boy into pickle; boy gets pickle into girl." -- Jack Woodford

Jul 30-Aug 3: "What if one monkey monkeys around with another monkey's monkey?" -- my dad

Jul 10-29: "It's people like you who get on the Columbine lists." -- Joseph K

Jul 6-9: "I can't believe we sent you over to America so you could inbreed and rebel." -- Mike Gavin

Jul 3-5: "I mean, it's not even ironic or funny in the least. It's fucking serious. Not a good quote." -- me

Jun 30-Jul 2: "Today is Saturday, but it feels like every other day of the week. Summer, I guess, is just one big long Saturday." -- Nick Disabato

Jun 29: "If I'm going to reach out to the Democrats, I need a third hand. I'm not letting go of my wallet or my gun while they're around." -- (unknown)

Jun 27-28: "Question everything, for a belief never questioned is no more than a curse." -- Erich Oelschlegel

Jun 26: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return." -- Moulin Rouge

Jun 13-18: Ford: "Where does it say teleport?" Arthur: "Well, just over here in fact. Just under the word emergency, above the word system, and beside the sign saying out of order." -- Douglas Adams

Jun 13: "Never pick your girlfriend up by the boobs... you WILL regret it." -- Nathan Noler

Jun 13: "The sun is like everything else... its good until it burns your ass." -- Nathan Noler

Jun 13: "The best placed for a good kiss is pretty much dang anywhere." -- Nathan Noler

Jun 13: "Most jokes are only funny the first two-hundred seventy-three times you hear it." -- Nathan Noler

Jun 13: "A girl feels butterflies and sunshine when watching a love story; a guy feels that tingly sensation in his butt." -- Nathan Noler

Jun 11: "You can't pick me up by my boobs!" -- Jennifer

Jun 7-10: "She admitted that it would be awkward to date her ex-boyfriend's girlfriend's ex-boyfriend." -- Tony DiLascio

Jun 6: "He does not endorse anal sex, but we think he's an asshole." -- Technical Virgin

Jun 3-5: "If you can't read this, then I suggest you get that fixed." -- me, 6/3/2001, 2:13am

May 31-Jun 2: "Guns don't protect people. People protect people." -- some anti-gun idiot

May 26-30: "A false sense of reality is a valuable part of anyone's existence." -- me, talking to Anna, 5/26/2001

May 23-25: "A republic will collapse when the dumb masses realize they can vote for goodies for themselves." -- Neal Boortz, 5/23/2001

May 23: "Not everyone born free and equal, like the Constitution says, but everyone made equal." -- Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

May 20-22: "A person is smart; people are dumb panicky dangerous animals and you know it." -- Tommy Lee Jones, Men in Black

May 19: "You should send that in to Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you." -- Arthur Dent (Douglas Adams)

May 15-18: "Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex." -- Karl Marx

May 14: "Look at them. Smell them. Make them roll around in your mouth." -- Biltmore Estate Winery video narrator

May 13: "The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love love somebody else." -- unknown origin

May 8-12: "So what you're saying is that yours is longer and his is wider?" -- my sister

May 6-7: "They're too hard to figure out; I just like playing with them." -- my sister

May 1-5: "Three. People. Together. Sleeping. In. A. Bag." -- Tony's computer, March 4.

Apr 29-30: "The easiest path is almost never the best path." -- me

Apr 28: "And I was about to reach for 'em, too!" -- Anna Shepard

Apr 27: "I do not like balls coming at me." -- Madeline Kahn

Apr 23-26: "It looks like he's covered in genetic material!" -- Claire Ragsdale, watching Princess Mononoke

Apr 18-22: "In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Apr 14-17: "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen." -- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Apr 9-13: "Procrastination is like masturbation: it feels good at first, but then you realize you're just screwing yourself." -- Lashonda Watts

Apr 8: "All that estrogen is just like cotton in their ears." -- John Pollard

Apr 5-7: "You and I are alike in that we both stick to our guns; the difference is ... mine are loaded." -- Gary Oldman in The Contender

Apr 1-4: "John Watson was born on April 1." "Oh! So John Watson's an April Fool!" -- Claire Ragsdale, Mike Yanosy

Mar 29-31: "I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife." -- Dogbert

Mar 26-28: "I can't say I'm going to tear up the world, but I've given myself the opportunity." -- Troy Percival, Angels relief pitcher

Mar 22-25: "The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities." -- Ayn Rand

Mar 18-21: "Study hard or hardly study, but commit to one of them." -- Hannah Rose, 11:30pm, 3/18/2001

Mar 14-17: "I'm going to go eat my mouth now." -- Lashonda Watts

Mar 12-13: "We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are." -- Herb Cohen

Mar 1-Mar 11: "I am a cunning linguist, so you will have to get over my diction." -- me, 1:00am, 2/28/2001

Feb 27-28: "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." -- Bertrand Russell

Feb 24-26: "My personal favorite Marvin Gaye song is 'Let's Get it On.' It makes me want to..." -- Claire Ragsdale

Feb 20-23: "If you and Claire have kids, they will have really big eyes." -- Matt Falkenberg

Feb 19: [I had something here for a day, but I replaced it before backing it up.]

Feb 17-18: "I had hardly any patience with the serious work of life which, now that it stood betwen me and my desire, seemed to me child's play, ugly monotonous child's play." -- James Joyce, in "Araby"

Feb 8-16: "I'm hoping you could keep her because I know you'd treat her right!" -- Tony DiLascio (begrudgingly)

Feb 5-7: (friend wonders who I am) Marie: "Is that your boyfriend?" Claire: "What, this?"

Feb 3-4: "I feel so vulnerable!" -- Jude Law in eXistenZ

Jan 26-Feb 2: "If teachers are in the habit of approaching a story as if it were a research problem for which any answer is believable so long as it is not obvious, then I think students will never learn to enjoy fiction." -- Flannery O'Connor

Jan 24-35: "Anything that can go wrong will, and when you least expect it." -- Murphy's Law

Jan 17-23: "Hairy legs are your only link to reality." -- Bonnie Hunt

Jan 14-16: "You'll say, 'The world has come between us. Our lives have come between us. Still I know you just don't care.' " -- Deep Blue Something

Jan 3-13: "Don't believe everything you read about yourself." -- Jon Katz

Jan 1-2: "Whose pants are those?" ... "Those aren't pants."