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A Modest Proposal For Preventing Literature from Being a Burden to Our Country, and Benefiting All January 20, 2000 It is a melancholy object to those who attend this great school or those similar, when they see the desks, the tables, and the lockers cluttered with textbooks of literature, often accompanied by a rather thick notebook, and importuning all with the reminder of wasted hours in that dreaded classroom. This class, rather than filled with the teachings of unique and worthwhile lore, instead is saturated with utterly boring and useless information. This class, when one has finally settled in life, has no effect on the outcome of his important decisions. This class leaves a horrid impression on the poor child; so horrible that he may never properly recover. I think it is agreed by all that this infinite number of books in the arms, or on the backs, or in the lockers of their respective student owners (and, in my own humble opinion, the classes too) is in the present a very cruel injustice. Therefore, anyone who could find a fair, cheap, and easy method of correcting incredible pain would deserve so much as to have an international holiday established in his honor. My intention, however, is very far from being confined to aiding the institution of literature and contributing to its expansion. It is of much greater meaning, and shall take the whole number of classes and textbooks, which are condemned to provide for the very problem to which they are the cause. In the hope for wellbeing for all mankind, I make the following proposal. That, instead of the literature classes aiding the failure of many young ones to join society on account that they cannot skillfully master the art of penmanship, the literature texts should constitute a bonfire stack, thus contributing to the eradication of the expansion and instruction of literature. There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will bring the divisions of race together as one for one great moment in the history of man, and the rebirth of human enlightenment, as the destruction of literature, shall be looked on as the pinnacle of human existence. The number of books of the literature mold in America is usually reckoned eight hundred million and a half. Of these I calculate there may be about eight hundred million texts whose intention is merely entertainment and therefore are no threat to society. This being granted, there will remain half of a million books; from which I subtract forty-two texts that do not focus on prolonging the meager existence of literature in schools and may actually be of respectable quality. I prospect that there cannot be so many, but let it stand that there are only five hundred thousand minus forty-two books which may remain in circulation. I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed which shall be equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual, but no such proposal exists. It has been said by the wisest of men that by strengthening the methods and material of teaching the literature that it may improve one's ability to function in society, when quite the contrary is true. The mind is cluttered with much useless information - quotes, definitions, and the like - that it has no time to process the thoughts that are necessary for survival in the consumer world. Another commendable proposal involved reducing the amount of literary technique and such, teaching only the basics. This can never work, for any foundation with nothing to build on is merely a scapegoat for those who will later wish to rebuild the institution of literature, and will only cause confusion at catastrophic levels.
I allege, from the depths of my human consciousness, that I have no personal interest in the execution of this
scheme; I have no other motive than the common good of my fellow Americans by advancing our general knowledge
in all fields and ridding the world of a redundant pest. There are no profits to be made, no awards to be
delivered, and I am already free of the grand deception of literature.
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