Happy Leap Year Day 2000! For more information on the subject, please click somewhere in the vicinity of
here.
Mmmm, I'm feeling very lazy today, so I'll give you one more bit of fun-ness, and I'll get on with my life as
I know it.
I do not normally condone such immature antics as I am about to reveal to you, but I had to make an exception
for this particular instance. If listening to socially unacceptable material can result in restriction,
castration, death, or the like, please take this into consideration. For the record, Scott is the man for
getting this to me. Anyway, here it is!
Monday, February 28, 2000
That was one helluva weekend. Friday was awesome. I saw Ashley just after school (thinking of a good adjective
- the only one I can think of isn't appropriate) ... Nice bathing suit. =) Friday night was normal for the
most part. Saturday night was a "Guys' Night," and despite our valiant attempts, no lovely young ladies
decided to crash it. Apparently they had better things to do. With the absence of our Ladies Luck, we bowled
horribly (that is till we moved to the mystical lane 6). Afterwards, we decided to drop by Ash-a-ma-tash's
humble bungalow. A nice selection of pebbles had been gathered, and we commensed in tapping them off of her
second story window just as she walked by it. Well, what do you know, she's DEAF. Or something. I guess she
was taking a shower, because the light was on for maybe sixty seconds (long enough to grab some clothes or
something and run to the bathroom), and then all was quiet. However, the bathroom light remained on for a good
half an hour after... Unfortunately our aim wasn't that good; we could not hit the bathroom window with any of
our 89 remaining pebbles, so we gave up around 12:15, wrote Zach's name in pebbles on the driveway and left.
Ahh, fun night.
Then Sunday sucked. I'm not going to share the story, because it sucked. Period. Let's just say that the
highlight of Sunday was almost being killed by almost hitting a deer crossing the highway at
11:45 while traveling in a vehicle moving at a speed over 80 miles per hour. (OOOH! I bet Mrs. Hilliard could
smell that unclear pronoun reference a mile away! So who was in the vehicle? Me or the deer? Hehehe...) Sorry,
I forgot to mention that because of my lousy Sunday, I got home around 2:00am last night and got no sleep,
hence my lack of ... smarts. (like you can tell a difference)
Friday, February 25, 2000
"I just got this sudden impulse to take off my pants." - Megan Middleton.
I just want to let anyone who saw this quote that the circumstances which brought it on were purely comical
and were not related to any hidden desires to possibly remove her clothing. We were sitting around letting
time tick away, and out of nowhere Megan exclaims this irregular statement, at which time Zach and I burst
into laughter. It truly made our day. :) Megan, I promise I won't say anything about how you $&*@#()! (*$@*(&
!@#*&*($ &@$*&@#($ &)@(* (encrypted so that curious eyes will not interpret the message - it's between Megan,
Zach, and me).
I had more to say, but I've just realized that I'm too lazy to put it here at this particular moment in time.
I don't feel like putting forth the effort to put into words such creative thoughts (or lack there of)... so I
won't. Nice weather lately, eh?
Wednesday, February 23, 2000
Dateline England...
A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick, England, were involved in an
unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.
They were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One
of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to
find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The 5,000£ ($12,000) machine then
seized up and could not be reset by the bemused PC's. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado
aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and
Southern Scotland.
Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the
RAF Liaison office, it was revealed that the officers actually had a lucky escape. The tactical computer on
board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed a
Maverick air-to-ground missile and was ready to "neutralize" the perceived threat in the hands of the
unsuspecting police constable on the ground. Luckily, the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and
was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched.
The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point
their radar guns inland in the future.
Monday, February 21, 2000
Man, am I ever confused... I don't know what I want. I don't know I want the things I do seem to want. I don't
know what forces are driving me (or not driving me, in some cases). I don't feel like I'm in control at times,
while in others I feel like I'm in complete control. I feel like I have a better grasp on many aspects of life
in general than I ever have before, and because of that I am confused on a much higher level. Not exactly what
I intended when I read the things I read to learn the things learned, but hey, life is all about some serious
side effects.
I don't really know what's going on in my mind right now, I'm only trying to enjoy the ride while it lasts and
also avoiding any painful moments. I'm gonna have to thank Kyla and Ashley for always being there when I have
to have someone to talk to - you two have heard more of my whining than anyone else and I'm glad to have
friends like you to put up with it. Zach and Megan, thanks for being there every other time of day (that is,
when your parents haven't taken you OVERSEAS or something like that). And of course, big thanks to Brad (did I
just say that?) for "taking me in" a couple years back. Who knows where I would be without his insight.
Believe it or not, some of the crazy shit he says actually makes sense and can help. Some of it can also cause
pain and destruction, so make sure you know what you're listening to. :)
Ack, tangents are bad. Caught myself that time. I guess I'm just trying to sort a little internal conflict
before trying to tackle it, and I'm letting you guys witness the act. More to come on the subject as I feel
like sharing it...
Saturday, February 19, 2000
Zachary, much love to ya brother. Scott, same to you. Emily, you too, though more on a GIVE ME LOVING kinda
level. :-) I'm sorry you three couldn't be there tonight. As a result, Megan, Ashley and I were forced to sulk
in a three-person cuddle-ball most of the night. Oh the trauma you put us through! I won't speak for the
others, but I personally can't bear to have two beautiful women in my arms at the same time when we're all
three missing the ones we should be with................. What the hell am I saying?!! HOLY GOAT I'M GAY! Oh
wait.. no.. nude women turn me on. Ok, whew, scared me for a minute. Oh yeah, the bowling:
Frame 1: "Ah-ight George, we're here to bust this groove!" Ok, so I got a fat six. All talk, no game.
Frame 2: seven. Wheee.
Frame 3: seven. Geez, 20 after three frames! "It's going to be a long night," I told myself.
Frame 4: strike. Whoopty-frickin-d.. WHOA!?! A strike?! Riiight...
Frame 5: strike. Hmmm, tides are turning. "What's that smell? Is that ham? pork? Wait, I smell a turkey!"
Frame 6: strike. Gobble gobble, beeyotch. "Wait a minute, you can't have turkey without some mashed potatoes!"
Frame 7: strike. Holy crap! "What do we smell now? Corn on the cob? I think we have some veggies coming up."
Frame 8: strike. *Dun Dun Dun* "Did someone say bread and butter? I think I heard bread and butter!"
Frame 9: spare. Sorry folks, all out of butter. You'll have to settle for this fat-free cheap imitation stuff.
Frame 10: spare plus eight.
Ok, best game of my life and I don't even get the highest score ever.
What kind of crap is that? A stinking 184? I got a 186 just six weeks ago and I only had four strikes! And
they weren't even consecutive! Geez, what a lousy way to have a good game. It was all about 200, but nooo. The
bowling gods ain't havin' none of that. Maybe next time, they say. Yeah right. Maybe next time I'll win the
lottery.
Friday, February 18, 2000
Wahoo! My grades are good, so my dad hasn't taken away all my rights for the eternity between now and our next
"progress" reports. Zach and I "crashed" girls night, so that was a blast. I bombed the hell out of my last
Calculus test - if I got 30% or better I will be shocked, so all is good there. I've got a full Saturday ahead
of me, one which looks to be a lot of fun... Bowling tomorrow night! Karma is high; I'm expecting someone to
threaten the bowling Gods' guardianship of the 200 club (if that makes any sense at all). George, Mike - TWO
DOUBLE-OH BAYBEE!
Whew, making a paragraph of six completely unrelated thoughts is a task that should not be taken on by just
anyone. All the proper ingredients of ability, incredulity and stupidity are required. For those curious about
the Taco Bell incident I spoke of days ago, it isn't entirely true. Actually, it's completely a figment of my
imagination. Sorry for any of you I had convinced otherwise; it was just a good story.
Tuesday, February 15, 2000
Don't ever let anyone tell you that math doesn't pay. Sure, 95% of the class may have no relevance what so
ever to the rest of your life, but if you're good at it then do all you can! You may be thinking "what a load
of crap, I'm not doing any more than I have to." Well let me tell you a little story. Once there was this tall
skinny semi-popular guy who had awesome friends who overlooked the fact that he was the captain of the math
team. Well, this guy, whom we'll call Billy Bob Joe Brown for convenience, went to a math "competition" (as
they like to call them) one warm winter morning. He took an extremely difficult test of nothing but near
impossible math problems along with the rest of the state's most qualified math students. When all was said
and done and the time had come to announce he (or she) whom had turned in the "most correct" test, Billy Bob
Joe Brown pulled through with the second highest percentage of "correctness." WOW! Some guy is second best in
math, and he got to take home $500 for it! Can you just imagine what the first place person took home? Well,
can you? I'd imagine it was quite a bit more - way more than one should deserve just for taking a math test.
Moral of the story? Don't ever let anyone tell you that math doesn't pay. ;-)
Sunday, February 13, 2000
Preparing to leave the mall (which apparently I've taken a liking to, right Megan?), I stop at Taco Bell for a
quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something
to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me for trying to break a large bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one beef supreme gordita please, to go."
Him: "Is that it?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "That'll be $1.28, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's to go." [I hate pointless duplication]
At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and...
Him: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two
of them...
Him: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Him: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill." [cough]
Him: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back and says...
Him: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Him: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
Him: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and...
Him: "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Him: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here." [cough]
Him: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Him: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Him: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says...
Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [8pm, well lighted area, cough]
Me: "Well, here's a two."
Manager: "We don't take those either."
Me: "Why the hell not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What the hell for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."
Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two
people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few
minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in (he has one of those cool walkie-talkies like the WRHS office
staff) and says at the other end of counter, in a whisper...
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
Guard: "Really? What?"
Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "So, the fifty's fake?"
Manager: "No, the $2 is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah..."
Security Guard walks over to me and says...
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
Me: [pause] "I'm just trying to buy a gordita and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it
over a few times in his hands, and says...
Guard: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a $2 bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. My
burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole
stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I
could probably end up in jail. At least I would get free food.
Saturday, February 12, 2000
Due to my belief that anything I create is worthwhile and important and must be shown off in a second-to-none
manner, I have placed my mIRC script onto it's own page.
There is a reason for this. It has now become so complicated with all its version numbers and functionalities
and updates, et cetera, et cetera, that its own page was completely necessary.
Thursday, February 10, 2000
I have added a small piece by cr0bar on Public Transportation on the
writing page. Ok, well, it's actually about the big cheese, the loser cruiser, the BIG
YELLOW SUBMARINE! - er, the bus. Not just school buses, but any buses. It's somewhat of a first-person
narrative. I think you'll be able to follow. All this talk about big
yellow buses reminds me... Braderick has recently resurfaced on the web, this time not so much the journal
type of page, but more of an "Anthology of Brad." His page has been on my friends' web
links for quite some time now, and this rant on school buses reminded me that I never told you guys about
it. Anyway, there.
I'm guessing you've noticed the comics from the last couple of days.
Tell me what you think. Are they good? bad? Do you
like my blatant violation of the little "distribution or duplication without permission is prohibited" warning
(ooh, I'm bad)? If you want more, let me know. If you do not, I'll probably have more anyway, so you should
definitely let me know so that I can place them somewhere other than the main page so they won't bother you.
Wednesday, February 9, 2000
Not that anyone cares, but I updated my mIRC script. WHEE. Crash 'n' Burn has lots of new
features, though none are major. I have double checked, the entire script is fully compatible with mIRC v5.7.
As always, it is housed on the page o' stuff. I don't have much more to say. I think I'm
on some kind of drug(s) against my will (well, against my knowledge anyway). I base this inference on my
extremely odd behavior of late. I cannot explain it. Sorry.
Tuesday, February 8, 2000
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases,
those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication; otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. There is a
theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory
which states that this has already happened.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded
as a bad move. Many races believe that it was created by some sort of God, though the Jatravartid people of
Viltvodle VI believe that the entire Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great
Green Arkleseizure. The Jatravartids, who live in perpetual fear of the time they call The Coming of The Great
White Handkerchief, are small blue creatures with more than fifty arms each, who are therefore unique in being
the only race in history to have invented the aerosol deodorant before the wheel.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of a Galaxy in the
Universe lies a small, unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles
is an utterly insignificant little bluegreen planet whose ape-descended lifeforms are so amazingly primative
that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.
This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people on it were unhappy for pretty
much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned
with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green
pieces of paper that were unhappy. And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them
were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.
Life is like a grapefruit. It's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the
middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half of one for breakfast. There are of course
many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are Why are people born? Why do they die?
Why do they want to spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches? These creatures you call
mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vast
hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings. The whole business with the cheese and the squeaking is just a front.
Monday, February 7, 2000
I believe in the idea that you're born with a "clean slate." What you experience and perceive in life forever
changes your further perception of the world. Many external influences contribute to this perception. In
school, you are presented with information and the opportunity to retain or reject it. The simple fact that
this information was presented to you can change your outlook on things, regardless of what outcome it may
have on your life.
Suppose you are extremely skilled in mathematics, but you hate learning about history. When presented with
historical facts and the knowledge that they are forced upon you - and presented with the additional fact that
it has little to no relevance your life - you reject the informaton and your preception of school is changed;
you may regard school as meaningless or inconsequential, all due to the presentation of said knowledge.
However, if you take a Calculus class with material that you happen to find interesting, your knowledge of the
matter is enhanced and your opinions of school are again changed: you may now regard school as a place of free
thought where your expertise can be challenged and nurtured.
Later on in life, school and education begin to play a more insignificant role in your life, and you turn to
the news and/or media for your information. As I see it, the media is the most powerful force in the world.
It tells you how to think and it forms your opinion on virtually all matters of even the slightest importance.
It establishes your social and cultrual values and morals.
I define the media in the broadest sense of the word: anything that imparts information upon society, from
news to just about anything on the Internet to documentaries on public television, can be considered as a form
of media. Even artwork falls under this definition. Even this essay, with its scratchouts on the college-ruled
paper, with the water spot from a Sprite can in the margin, with the five holes instead of the standard three,
alter how you see the world, and how you will cause others to see the world, and so on; ad infinitum.
Think about that.
Sunday, February 6, 2000
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE WARREN! Wow, two of 'em ... on consecutive days. Neat.
Three extremely horrible things have happened to me this weekend. I'll reveal them to you in chonological
order, just because I feel like it. (1) I saw the most awesome book in the world, and for some odd reason I
didn't get it. If you must know, it was a modernized Kama Sutra, but you mustn't know, so disregard
that. (2) Flu. 'Nuff said. (3) Oh my god I actually like NSYNC. I realized this when, in my bedstricken,
zombie-like state, I found myself watching some MTV special featuring the boys. I actually enjoyed their
performance. Geez, the world is coming down.
Now that I'm actually sick, I would like it to last. I never have the unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on
how one looks upon it) pleasure of illness anymore, meaning I'm always in school (unless I choose not to be),
and dangit it's my turn to miss a few days. However, no more than two, cuz I kinda wanna exempt finals. :-)
Thursday, February 3, 2000
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH WIGGINS! Sorry, I had to let that out. Now on with show...
Friends, family, boys, girls, Christians, atheists ... and all ... I have a proposition for you all. First, I
would like you to read something for me - rather, for a "friend" of mine. You see, cr0bar (just an online
name, I shall not reveal his real name) used an advertising service called Safe-Audit to help pay for his web
site. Using this service, he apparently made off quite well, bringing in the numbers he needed to keep his
site (which I visit religiously, by the way) up and running. However, when Safe-Audit realized this, they also
realized that they had to give him part of their profits which they had earned, so they promptly accused him
of "cheating" and "adjusted his numbers." Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you the whole story, but I
think you should go to cr0bar's page and read about it for yourself. He is
a very skilled writer and he makes it very amusing, all the while being serious and to the point. He would
love to thank you for sharing his sentiments on the ordeal, so please, visit the site and email him (and/or
the Safe-Audit correspondent he has been communicating with) and share your opinions.
And one more thing. Those of you whom have ever used or are using Safe-Audit's advertising service, I would
definitely recommend you to visit this site. Even if they're treating you like a king, I think that it is only
fair that you be aware of bad practice for a service which you are paying for. Thanks. And don't forget
cr0bar's site, or more directly, the part of his site dedicated to his
Safe-Audit problems.
In case you're interested, the reason I visit cr0bar's site [almost] every day is because of its content. The
man is hilarious! He bastardizes movies (The Matrix is complete, Hackers is in the works) in comic strip form,
writes tutorials on how to destroy stuff (so far including a cassette tape, tennis ball, and CD jewel cases),
and I'm sure he's got more funnies lurking around his page somewhere. Either way, it's a blast. If for no
other reason than because I'm telling you to, visit cr0bar's site now.
One last thing: I'm sure that very few of you care, but I've updated my mIRC script again, due to the fact
that Khaled Mardam-Bey decided to update mIRC right after I uploaded the final version of my script for (the
now previous version) of mIRC. Anyway, it's on the page where nothing belongs because
that's where I keep my odds and ends. Enjoy.
Wednesday, February 2, 2000
Those of you that enjoy James Bond stuff, you'll love my Bames Jond - 770 spoof. *cough*
Zach *cough* It's rather long ... like 5-15 minutes of reading (very rough estimate), but if you like Bond
stuff or humorous parodies, you should enjoy it. I didn't put it here only because of its length. Enjoy!
Tuesday, February 1, 2000
A minor problem was found (and fixed) in my mIRC script. So I have uploaded the new and improved version. I've
also gotten rid of many excess files (*.hlp, *.exe files) to reduce the size of the download. Just be sure you
have mIRC v5.61 before unzipping this set of files in your mIRC
folder. You can also get many hints and helpful files at mirchelp.org. Ok, I
think you're ready ... here's Crash 'n' Burn for mIRC!